How to Tell a Kappa From a Cockroach
by DracoAter
Summary: Four ways to tell the difference between a kappa and a cockroach. If it's at all possible.... rated for language.
1. Kappa and Cockroach

How to Tell a Kappa From a Cockroach

Disclaimer, author's note, and whatever else is up here: I don't own Saiyuki/Gojyo. This is just a random little thing that popped into my head a while ago, and finally demanded I write it down. Hope it amuses you as much as it did me! Well, you're not gonna know until you read it. Hey, stop reading the disclaimer/author's notes, and read the story already!

Okay, how do you tell a kappa from a cockroach?

Gojyo: I'm not a cockroach...

First thing to look for. Does it have antennae?

Gojyo: Wha? These are _not_ fucken antennae! It's my hair!

Cockroach, check. Kappa, check. Yeah, right, Gojyo... Next, how many times have you tried to kill it and it just keeps coming back?

Gojyo: (counts on fingers) Well, let's see... There was this guy, and that time, and when that girl... (trails off still counting assassination attempts on his life) ... Aw, crap. I'm not helping myself here, am I?

Cockroach, check. Kappa, check. Now, does it seem to breed a lot?

Gojyo: Now that's none of your business! ... Unless you wanna—

Quiet you, or do I need to sic my giant rabbit on you?

Gojyo: (blinks) Uh... (blinks some more) What the hell?

Cockroach, check. Kappa, check, ya damn horny bastard... Last question. Does it survive a nuclear blast?

Gojyo: WHAT THE FUCK! Nuh-uh! No way! You are NOT gonna do a damn thing of the fricken sort to me! (is grabbed and has his hands tied) Someone get this crazy fucked-up fic-writer away from me!

(drops kappa and cockroach in the middle of a desert and drops an a-bomb on them) Let's see... Cockroach, check. Kappa... is glowing and still standing... (dons radiation suit and goes to poke him with a sick)

Gojyo: (rope has burned away and swats at her) Go away!

Kappa, check! Hmm. Guess you can't tell the difference between a kappa and a cockroach. Oh, well. This has been How to Tell a Kappa From a Cockroach: An Interesting Experiment. Now to figure out what to do with a radioactive kappa.

Gojyo: (still standing there, glowing green, with glowing roaches scurrying around him) Leave me alone or let me fu—

No! Why the fucken hell would I sleep with you now that you'll give me cancer? Not that your smoking wouldn't have...

Gojyo: Leave my smoking outta this!

(NOTE) Yes, a cockroach can survive high amounts of radiation. I've heard that a while ago, some scientists exposed some roaches to radiation, and they lived. Deciding that radio active cockroaches should not be kept around, they tried to kill them. It was damn hard.

Yeah, I know. It was silly. But silly is what I'm good at. Excuse me while i wander off and sing to the music in my head while stealing a sutra again.


	2. Monkey and Monkey

How to Tell a Monkey from a... Monkey.

Disclaimer, author's note, and whatever else is up here (again): I don't own Saiyuki/Goku. Since people have asked me to continue, I shall! Suggestions for the other two will be greatly appreciated as well, as they might be a little tougher.

Sanzo: Tougher...?

Well, what do you want me to compare you to? A real priest? Now go away, this chapter isn't about you. Anyway, I shall continue as requested! All complaints by characters shall be ignored. And thanks to all who reviewed already and those who will! You all get a cookie. It's up to you how to split it.

Now, people may ask the difference between a monkey and the Monkey King.

Goku: Cookie? Where? Where's that cookie?

No cookie for you. That's for the reviewers. We're continuing the Kappa and Cockroach story.

Goku: (reads previous chapter) Ha ha ha! Told ya he was a cockroach! (giggles madly for a minute)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know. Be quiet. So, is it energetic and playful?

Goku: Hey, I have an idea, miss author! Wanna race? Please?

That requires physical exertion, so no. Monkey, check. Monkey King, check.

Goku: Monkey king...?

Next, does it eat anything it can find?

Goku: There's a cookie on the ground! (pounces on it)

Monkey, check. Monkey King, check. Now drop that cookie! Back on the plate, moron! That's for the reviewers! (smacks him on the head) Bad Goku, stealing my reviewers' treat.

Goku: Sorry!

Let's see, last question. Is it a social animal?

Goku: Hey, miss author lady? Where is everyone else? Where'd Sanzo go? Wasn't he here earlier?

Don't call me lady, I'm not that old. And he left. I'll tell you where later. Monkey, check. Monkey King, check.

Goku: Oh. So, where'd he go?

(rolls eyes) He went that way! (boots goku away in the direction Sanzo stalked off in earlier) Geeze, you stupid monkey!

Goku: Ow! Crap, tha' hurt, ya mean author!

(ignores him) Well, it seems that you can't tell a monkey from the Monkey King. Another interesting experiment done. Let's see who's next...

Goku: So you gonna tell me where Sanzo went or what?

For the love of fuck-- THAT WAY! And you owe the readers another damned cookie! I swear that kid's a bottomless pit...


End file.
